Our Journey

When I was pregnant with my son, my breastfeeding goal was 6 months because that's the minimum recommendation by the American Academy of Pediatrics. My plan was to latch feed and pump for 6 months and that I would have enough pumped milk in my freezer to last him until 12 months. I would then use up whatever we had left over in the freezer and switch to whole milk.

And God chuckled at my plans.

Our first 2-3 weeks was rough with AB/O incompatibility, jaundice and slow weight gain. We supplemented after each feed for 2 days when we were readmitted to the hospital and then one feed a day for most of the next  couple weeks. At 10 days postpartum I pumped for the first time, getting 1.5 oz which is a pretty great volume considering I was also latching him full time.

He reached birth weight at 3 weeks old. We never had to use formula again and I thought we were back on track for my freezer full of milk plan.

And God chuckled.

Andrew had a lip tie and it made feedings loooooooong and often difficult. His latch sucked, my nipples were sore and he was eating 15 times or more a day. We corrected the lip tie and his latch improved (but still never really became that deep latch that we craved). My nipples no longer felt like I had a sunburn, but feedings were still long. He fought for let downs at almost every feed after that initial burst of flowing milk.

Every few nights I would express some milk for my husband to feed the baby while I got out of the house for 20 minutes to go to the store or to just lay in bed watching TV without a baby attached to me. I often didn't have time to pump and couldn't figure out how to pump and nurse the other side (can we just give mothers four hands already?). But I thought, "when I go back to work and I'm pumping during the day, surely I'll pump what he needs and I'll be able to put a night pump in the freezer."

And God chuckled.

I went back to work with about 20 ounces of really hard work and late nights in the freezer. I had been told 1-1.5 oz per hour that you're gone from baby. So if I was gone 9.5 hours I would need 9.5 to 14.25 oz of milk for him.

He ate 14. 

I pumped 10.

And I cried.

The week continued with numbers like that. 10. 9. 10. 8. 12.

I pumped more than 12 oz during the work day exactly twice in that year. I pumped more than 5 oz in a single pumping session less than 5 times and most of those were because I forgot parts at home or missed a pumping session and went too many hours between pumps.

To keep my son fed with enough ounces I had to pump 4x per day at work for the first several months. One of those pumps per day was a power pump for the first few months. I often spent 2.5 hours of my day at work pumping. Sometimes while eating. Sometimes while working. Often while crying.

I also power pumped each night at 10 p.m. and often got up at 5:30 to pump before feeding the baby and getting ready for work. This went on for several months.

Eventually when we introduced solids at six months, the pressure to have 15 oz for the 10 hours a day I was gone lessened as he ate 10-12 oz instead of 14-16. I never once had more than 40 total ounces of frozen milk and until he turned 6 months old, I had formula sitting on my counter, waiting for the day that I didn't have enough milk pumped and he was inconsolable.

That day never came, but because I produced literally exactly the amount my baby needed, spread out across 8 feeds and 3-5 pumps per day, Andrew ate every 3 hours. All the time. Always. My breasts capacity was always at that 2-4 oz unless I forgot to pump and then my breasts ached. We never got down to that 4-6 feeds a day that other 12 month olds reach. 

I would often see freezer stashes and feel inadequate. Like my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do.

In reality my body was doing exactly what it was meant to. Latching baby almost always is better for supply than the pump. To get 4 feeds most pumping mom's need 5 pumping sessions. In most cases a latched baby is better at milk removal than a pump by a considerable amount. There are exceptions to this rule, but it is the norm.

Babies are meant to wake through the night, as frequent feeds prevent SIDS and helps maintain your overall supply.

As a mom who works 40 hours outside the home plus the drive to and from, I didn't want to hear that not only was all of this common, but normal, and in some cases, good. I wanted my kid to sleep through the night and to stop tweaking my nipple and to have a perfect latch and to spend 10-15 minutes at the breast instead of 30-45.

But we made it through that year. Somewhere in those first few months I decided my new goal was 1 year. I was never going to have a stash to keep him in milk without latching him. And I, mostly, loved nursing him.

So it got easier and the pumping demands eased up and I dropped my two extra pumps a day, except on the weekends). I occasionally put a couple bags of milk in the freezer. Sometimes it would be weeks in between donations to the Andrew Milk Bank. 

And I finally realized God wasn't laughing at my plans. I successfully provided my son with breastmilk. We developed a healthy, comfortable, beautiful breastfeeding relationship with God's help. If my plan had worked, I don't know if I ever would have gotten to the place of "loving" breastfeeding because my goal was only about milk and ounces. Not about moments looking at my son and putting hard work into a goal that was so important to me.

My struggles mean that even though I met and exceeded my goal (I said goodbye to the pump after my son turned one but we still latch), I know the struggle women go through with supply, lack of sleep, being touched out and more. 

For everyone that has breastfeed to their goal and beyond, congratulations. To everyone who has breastfed for any length of time, congratulations. To anyone who had the desire but lacked support, ability or whatever else it takes to make it work, congratulations on being a great mama. I see you. I'm here for you. And I believe that together we can make more mamas' goals a reality in the future.